Empty Soul

a switchboard in my head
measures out who I'll be
emotions rage in cups
with pinches of spice and fire
and tablespoons of ice

when men cry
it feels like heavy weights
are falling from the eyes
the soul is a cup of water
and tears are drops that overflow
exposing the heart underneath

some moments are clear
like perfect ice on a lake
you can see everything
other moments foggy
none of the lines match
two halves do not make a whole

the switchboard master changes
as fast as light can go
one master for each moment
splintered fragments of time
like shattered ice
my frozen soul
in pieces

stabbing pains and soothing warmth
each director has a path
the destination unclear
wavering this way, tilting there
like a drunk weaving
through crowds of memories
and dreams

if only once a choice was made
a goal was written in stone
my soul would rest in the bowl
rather than freezing, shattering,
wavering, wandering,
or dying all alone

Is It Love?

That moment of silence

Right after goodnight

And right before you leave

It is a hole in the heart for both of you

Wondering, waiting

Do I say it first?

A breath of fresh air it would be to speak

But what if it isn’t real?

If all of this is just imagined

Feelings?

Do you know?

Who will be the first to say

I love you?

Remember, Remember

A dark

Despairing

Black

Pool

You are drowning

A tall

Steep

Depressing

Cliff

You are falling

A blind

Angry

Frightening

Darkness

You are lost

Waiting for the rope

Hoping to be caught

Praying for a Savior

A strong

Lasting

Enduring

Rope

You are saved

A thick

Knotted

Beautiful

Net

You are alive

A loving

Warm

Enveloping

Hug

You remember

There is more to this life

Than to fail

You have a chance

Photograph

You know

when you see

a perfect photograph

The contrast

Your skin

Flawless

Everything

Your makeup

The eyes

All of the color

Makes you

Beautiful

You see that picture

With envy

And longing

To be the person

Inside

And the realization

Is sad

When you see

The perfect person

Skinny

Beautiful

That’s you

Inside

The person you want to be

Sometimes The Heart Is Cruel

Sometimes the heart is cruel

Falling into love at the drop of a hat

And breaking

Just as quickly.

Yearning after that someone

That hurt it once before

But you forgave

Anyway.

Sometimes the heart is cruel,

Ignoring the mind’s plea for mercy

And going on,

Only to get hurt once more,

Knowing no fear,

But that of being

Alone.

Sometimes the heart is cruel,

Pleading with the mind

For someone- anyone!

To take away

The unbearable loneliness.

To find the one

That will be there

Always

Credit to Holly Black

Just Look

Expressions as fleeting

As a freak thunderstorm

Fly across my face

While I savor them

Deeply

Inside.

Not given to judgment,

Or instant dislike,

But she

Just rubs me

The wrong

Way.

A constant irritant,

Prone to

Contradictions,

Making my poor

Head

Ache.

Anger flares,

A strange feeling,

But soon gone,

Leaving me empty,

Once

More.

Only to be reminded

Of the pain left behind

The next day

When it happens

Again

And again.

The only thing I ask

Is a

constant.

Why can’t she

Just

Look? 

Credit to Holly Black

Fish Out Of Water

Floundering
A fish in air
Cannot breathe
The same is said
For me

My air is love

I breathe in hugs

To speak I give

But what am I to do

When deprived?

What is the answer?
Sugar and sweet

Help me forget

The need to breathe

For a moment or two

When I am sad,

I suffocate
The air-it isn't
Tangible

It feels as though

I am drowning

Where I am not a fish

The sea is full of color

I cannot appreciate

The color all around me

Is like the air I breathe

It exists, but I cannot tell

To open my eyes

I burn my lungs

So even though
The air is there

I suffocate

Like a fish

Out of water

The Many Kinds of Super

Everyone loves the super hero.

The one who saves the day?

Beyond human powers

To look up to

Idolize

Adore

Every power

Takes time

Nurturing

Growth

I wish I were super

To be a knight

Polished, shining armor

Or a hero

Even with the spangles

And the underwear

The thing about heroes

They have challenges too

But on a different level-

Anything is possible

I wish to save myself

Strength

Love

Trust

Human qualities

In great quantities

Are super

Emotional

Or physical

Muscles

Each takes work

And perseverance

For strength

If I get muscles

Or powers

What might I do?

The choice would be

For me or for you?

Foundations

When building a house

Or planting a tree

You start with little things

One corner stone

One little seed

There is a magic

Of the Earth

That allows a seed

The size of a speck of dust

To become a tree

With roots

As large as

Giant’s legs

They are dug into the ground

A corner stone

A very large piece

Is merely one step

To a marvelous work

And a wonder

Roots and stones

Do not often mix

But they each are

Foundations

In order to live

And to be happy

One must live upright

Not crumpled in

Or falling over

The start of growth

Is a seed of small size

But this seed becomes

As we become

Something greater

A marvel,

And a wonder

We must be founded

In good earth

In level places

Where we can stand

And never fall

Roots

The Earth starts life out small

A seed can grow to be a tree

That tree takes years to grow

And in the end, it will stand tall

Such a miracle is a seed

It starts so small

But when it is founded

In good, healthy surroundings

There is a chance for so much more

Roots on trees grow so large

They are the size of giant legs

Healthy roots are the survival

Of the tree

People are like trees in their needs

They start out small

But in order to grow

They must have roots

Family is one root

Another is a friend

Consistency, familiarity

These keep us safe

Once we leave the nest

We must uproot ourselves

And still find our happiness

So we must create new roots

Time and care are necessary

A sense of security

To keep us thriving

And standing upright

There is pain in life

And growing new roots

Taking the time for ourselves

Letting mistakes happen

And learning all the way

Radar Heart

Radar readings are normal
Nothing new to see
Droning lines
Boring
But then-
A reading.

Is it a sign of life?
Someone in the stars?
Wait for more
We will see
If it means anything

Avid staring eyes
Blue and brown and green
All are hoping
Life has been found
There can be joy

The one and only question
Is this reading true?
Is there hope
Or is there just a blip?

Am I just a blip
On your fancy tech?
An aberration
A miracle
The question is
Am I a blip?

The Word That Changed The World

There was a word

That children invented

They didn’t quite realize

The magnitude

Of what they had created

The word became a feeling

And that feeling spread

All across the world

Through the minds and hearts

Of children

You may have heard this word

It involves hula hoops

And hopscotch

Little girls with dolls

Playing house

Toy soldiers strewn across a bed

And pretending to be a cat

Or a dog

Even a cheetah

With the spots

And makeup

To prove it

This word is oft forgotten

When children grow

To being adults

With the serious things

And stresses

That adults worry about

Being grown up isn’t quite the same

Without that one word

That makes children’s eyes glow

Grown ups who forget

How to be children

Often forget this one

Simple

Word

And the word is

Fun.

Oppression

I keep on bleeding junk

The kind that has no name

Yet

Emotions

Bleeding red as blood

So many things

Too many

Overwhelming

Little things make it worse

Not writing

Not doing

All these “not”

Like knots in hair

That never come out

No matter how hard

You pull

It’s like the word “hate”

For me it doesn’t mean

Hate

It usually means

Strong dislike

Frustration.

Lately I hate everything

I even hate music-

My one true and lasting love

The thing that gets me through everything.

People would ask

Hey how are you?

My answer changed

For a time I was

Good!

Exclamation point and all

Happy

Fun

Wonderful.

Then I was

Sad

Frustrated

Confused

Simply “bleh”

Now I’m

A lot

I can’t decide what I am

It hurts so much

As I writhe in pools of pain

I keep trying to avoid more pain

The despair is endless

I want to be

Perfect

Funny Shoes-Don't Fall!

I like to watch clowns walk
Their feet stick out
Colorfully
And every other second,
I think they are going to fall
And if they do
I laugh
So much

Then when I see
Zumiez skater shoes
I think of skaters
Doing amazing tricks
And then the fakers
The ones who like what the skaters do-
They try to show up
The masters
And they fall

Elf shoes
Curled up at the ends
With a little bell
That jingles
I giggle to hear it

Have you ever seen
Skiers?
They have just put on their shoes
And their feet
Are now ten times
Longer
What a mess!

Tall stick-shoes
I don’t know the name
But I’m sure you know
What they are
The ones in parades
To make men taller
It takes great balance
And practice
But all I do is laugh
Because the image
Is worth the laughs

High heeled tiny shoes
For tiny people
Short girls with skinny legs
And hair down to their ankles
Playing dress up
In high, high heels
Make me smile
It’s like short-woman-syndrome

Then there are those girls-
Girls pretending to be women
With the strut
They think it looks sexy
But it ends up with
Tripping over her own feet
Why so hilarious?

Take a Step in Any Direction

I see a shadow moving
Pivoting, deciding
Short in one second
Then long
Everywhere in between

The shadow never decides
His owner never really moves
In the unusual occasion that he moves
He changes his mind
mid step

Two steps forward
Another step back
Every step changes
The destination is different

The shadow is always growing
Learning to take one step
But even when he takes a step
The direction
Is always moving

On a compass wheel
The shadow starts with going north
But his goal
Is changing
As the shadow grows
East by southeast
North by northwest
West

I get impatient with the shadow
Move
Just move
Choose, and keep with it
I can’t interpret
What his movement means

He is growing
I am watching
Hoping his next step
Is directed to me

The Art of Smiling

Have you ever seen

a porcupine smile?

prickly they may be

but even they know how to

smile

the art of smiling

takes up the whole face

I think of smiles

on grandfatherly faces

Wrinkles

emphasizing the eyes crinkling

the upturned dimpled cheeks

it has been forgotten

how to smile

even sitting alone-

it is still an option

Seeing smiles makes me grin

No matter how my day goes

I see

And I follow

I am a smiley person.

Like the smiley faces

in emoticons

my face might wrinkle faster

but I don’t care

I know I’ll be happy

I love to see a smile

When other people grin

I know

It’s not a permanent thing

They know how to frown

They are human too

So am I

When I see eye wrinkles

I think of certain people

The ones who know

The art of smiling

I Needed Words Then

There are so many reasons

That I need words

Loss and pain

Love and hope

To feel, I first have words

The first night of college

in my first apartment

a thousand miles from home

I was a stranger

I needed words then

I was homesick

but also lost-

heartsick and alone

I needed words of love

I wanted to define reasons

For silliness and stupidity

Why I act like a child sometimes

And why I love it

I needed words then

I love the childish feelings

but feeling means nothing

unless there is understanding

and acceptance

Words help me understand

I used to hear a joke

about turtles that could fly

it always made me laugh

even that meant more

I needed words then

When I thought of flying turtles

I could laugh and smile

Just the idea of flying turtles

Taught me to look at life

And laugh

There was a night where it was dark

and I am afraid of the dark

all I could see was my cell

the lights were all turned out

I needed words then

If I could define fear

My fear might shrink enough

That I could go to sleep

In that night words saved me

In different times of my life

I needed words

Just to know what I meant

What had happened

So I write

Love Me

She told me

To make you love me

Telling stories about myself

Getting a connection to you

Making you love me

For me

But I can’t

I think that people love me

They tell me all the time

“Lisa-I love you”

Usually it’s because they are laughing

I didn’t get an obvious joke

Two and a half seconds later

I got it

I’m like that, always

I have been told that I am nice

And I am

I am one of those people

the ones who pick up other people’s trash

I’ll feel bad for talking

When I say something

behind a back

That’s me

I’m one of the touchy feely people

I jump out of nowhere

And give you a hug

I am always hugging

I’ll see a person three times

Every time I see them

They get a hug

That’s me

You know the people who smile a lot?

Their faces permanently grin

You know what I mean

They just smile

In that way

With the half moon dimples

The mouth turned up at the ends

And the eyes

Crinkled at the edges

Those people

I’m one of them

But just because I’m nice

And because I know how to smile

I hug everyone

That doesn’t mean you should love me

If you want to love me

You should know me better than that

Cause hugs and smiles and niceness-

Everyone knows that about me

Love me for more.

Super Strengths

We all know the people

The ones with super strength

bearing the weight of worlds

on their shoulders

When they are sick

They get up

Miserable or not

They will move on

No matter what

These are the people I envy

Other people are strong

In other ways

They listen to every issue

as it is brought to them

they care

no matter how big their plate

I see those people who smile

And they make me smile

I know they have issues

But they smile still

When I see a smile, I want to smile too

Each smile I see brightens up my day

Little words of hope

Small sentences

with important connections

Quotes

Emotional muscles

Flying turtles

Talking stop signs

These odd ideas

Mortal angels

Ordinary Supermen

I can see

and now I am better

There are people who share these strengths

I am not always one of them

Still I am learning

To gain my super strength

Emotional Muscles

I'm not a person
with super strength
to solve people's problems
and save their lives
ignoring what is wrong with me

I'm ordinary
I listen when you're sad
Hugs are my specialty
it's how I work to fix the wrongs
I question sometimes
but there will always be me to listen

Listening is all I can do, most times
I flit around on hummingbirds wings
until I am needed
and then I stop
I sit down
and I will always listen

Still I wish I had superstrength
to help my people
never sharing my issues
because I am not a burden to others
I just want to listen
and never share my problems
but I am not strong like that
My emotional muscles can only bear so much

my troubles come up small
in the face of others

When I hear men cry
I cry too
because it is unusual for men to cry
but also because I care
so if they cry
there must be great reason

If my stoic friend is sad
a relationship has broken
a death
just plain stress
being sick
tired of it all
I will cry with them.